Trump's speech about the raid on Syria IN FULL.

(By using recently developed technologies we bring you the spoken words AND some of the thoughts that passed through the Donald's excuse for a mind as he spoke them, displayed in italics in brackets. We make no apologies for the foul language, choosing to record everything in the interests of accuracy.) 

"My fellow Americans, (I guess by now you're beginning to realise just how brutally you were fucked up the ass when we conned you to vote for me instead of that disgusting old pussy- licker Clinton.)

On Tuesday, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad launched a horrible chemical weapons attack on innocent civilians. (What I mean by that is that, hey, we needed an excuse and, no surprise, one came toddling along. Remember the Gulf of Tonkin? No, of course you don't. Half of you don't remember your names in the morning.)

Using a deadly nerve agent, Assad choked out the lives of helpless men, women and children. (Well, let me rephrase that: You, my fellow Americans, are dumb enough to believe he'd bomb his own citizen's kids because we tell you so. Listen: Nobody is better than the US of A at killing and disabling kids. Napalm, anyone? Nice fresh vaccine for your little kiddy?)

It was a slow and brutal death for so many. Even beautiful babies were cruelly murdered in this very barbaric attack. (And let me tell you that all my pedo friends made a circle and fucked each other up the ass just thinking about it. I kid you not! With candles and chanting and stuff, symbols in chalk on the floor, all very respectful and tasteful.)

No child of God should ever suffer such horror. (By which I mean EVERY child of God, naturally.)

Tonight I ordered a targeted military strike on the airfield in Syria from where the chemical attack was launched. (Yeah, just remember we don't need your actual proof or anything. I'm the POTUS, and therefore am incapable of lying. Remember, you schmucks voted me in, so this is on you, therefore YOU cannot be guilty. Do you get that yet? It's how it works in your tiny human minds. So funny.)

It is in this vital national security interest of the United States to prevent and deter the spread and use of deadly chemical weapons. (But in the vital monetary interests of my good friends that we make damn sure they ARE spread. And, in case you can't remember (ho,ho) here's an aide memoire of the countries we've bombed since WW2:

Korea and China 1950-53 (Korean War)

• Guatemala 1954
• Indonesia 1958
• Cuba 1959-1961
• Guatemala 1960
• Congo 1964
• Laos 1964-73
• Vietnam 1961-73
• Cambodia 1969-70
• Guatemala 1967-69
• Grenada 1983
• Lebanon 1983, 1984 (both Lebanese and Syrian targets)
• Libya 1986
• El Salvador 1980s
• Nicaragua 1980s
• Iran 1987
• Panama 1989
• Iraq 1991 (Persian Gulf War)
• Kuwait 1991
• Somalia 1993
• Bosnia 1994, 1995
• Sudan 1998
• Afghanistan 1998
• Yugoslavia 1999
• Yemen 2002
• Iraq 1991-2003 (US/UK on regular basis)
• Iraq 2003-2015
• Afghanistan 2001-2015
• Pakistan 2007-2015
• Somalia 2007-8, 2011
• Yemen 2009, 2011
• Libya 2011, 2015
• Syria 2014-2016

Oh boy, I tell ya, it makes me stiffen just thinking about all those murdered babies. I guess a few million since '45. Am I right?)

There can be no dispute that Syria used banned chemical weapons, violated its obligations under the Chemical Weapons Convention and ignored the urging of the UN Security Council. (Because I say so. No argument, no evidence, no debate, no “democratic process” (ha), just because I say so. And remember, you are no longer in any position to do anything about it because we've turned you into dumb, effete, obedient goys that just can't manage to get organised about anything. It took some time to do it, but hey, it's done!)

Years of previous attempts at changing Assad's behaviour have all failed and failed very dramatically. (That pussy Obama just didn't have the balls to stage a big lie and was scared you'd see through it! As if! Well, let me tell you, My balls are just huge. Ask any beautiful piece of pussy. Ask my buddy Geoffrey. He's seen them plenty down on that lovely island of his.)

As a result, the refugee crisis continues to deepen and the region continues to destabilise, threatening the United States and its allies. (Actually, the refugee thing is working great. Europe's fucked. We can stage false flags all over Europe for decades now and blame them all on the crazy Muslims. Doing it already! Our Russian friends are vamping up their “Christianity” now. So read the Bible. So read the Protocols. So read my good friend Albert Pike's letters. It all fits perfectly. We're pushing on with the Plan.)

(An aide whispers in the Donald's ears.)

(OK, my dead friend Albert Pike's letters. Happy? You're fired.)

Tonight I call on all civilised nations to join us in seeking to end the slaughter and bloodshed in Syria, and also to end terrorism of all kinds and all types. (What I really mean is exactly the opposite in every respect. That's called 'negotiation'. Watch what happens now, everywhere, for the next decades and you'll see exactly what I mean.)

We ask for God's wisdom as we face the challenge of our very troubled world. (Actually, Satan's wisdom. He's the CEO here, right?)

We pray for the lives of the wounded and for the souls of those who have passed. (We pray for the wounded to die in agony and for the souls of the dead to be available to feed off, in reality.While we do the sex Magick stuff that's just sooo much fun.)

And we hope that as long as America stands for justice, then peace and harmony will, in the end, prevail. (That's just TOO FUNNY! To think, most of you will believe that shit and the rest will do absolutely NOTHING about it!)

Goodnight. And God bless America and the entire world (for having become such a poor excuse for a species).

Thank you. You're fired.”

(Turns to an aide: “Can you rustle me up some cheese Pizza? I want to play Dominoes.”

(End)

Satire or fact?

You decide.

The world edges closer to the precipice and still we truth seekers FAIL TO UNITE, FAIL TO ACT, HAVE LET THEM DIVIDE AND DECIEVE US.

XXX XXX XXX

(Image from Mexican magazine Letras Libres)